Thank you to all the readers who made it through Parts I & II. Welcome to Part III where we discuss, oh to hell with it, this is the part where I make up a bunch of categories and the few of you who aren't sick of my writing go along with it. That sounds like enough of a preface. On with the odds & ends of 2014 cinema.
The worst movies of 2014
Nominee: A Million Ways to Die in the West
Nominee: The Amazing Spiderman 2
Nominee: The Right Kind of Wrong
Nominee: Cavemen
Nominee: Divergent
Runner-up: Transformers: Age of Extinction
Winner: Nymphomaniac
--- As usual it would be hard for a year to go by without a lot of success stories, but even more flubs. This year brought a first for me, the first time I've watched a superhero movie and was bored by the climax, which was the case with The Amazing Spiderman II, but luckily a few moments of grace (scenes with Emma Stone in them) managed to save this mangled mess of a script and turn into just a mess. Unfortunately, and I do mean unfortunately because despite its horrendous script, lousy characters, and exposition written to make it ok that an older man is with a younger woman, Transformers 4 will not be its extinction, because it once again made over 240 million dollars. However, there was one movie that took the proverbial shit cake position and that was the mess, pornographic, hallowed out shell of Lars Von Trier's two part disaster Nymphomaniac.
I'm sure that the subject of nymphomania would make a very interesting documentary and even a fine piece of cinema in the right hands, but Von Trier does not have those hands. Instead we watch a slow moving pornographic, hate piece. I wanted to give this film its fair shake and so, I watched it. Unfortunately that is as far as I was willing to go. When you know you are watching sexploitation on screen is when the plot of the scene is based in the camera's desire to show skin rather than story (a note that Michael Bay should take into account). Nymphomaniac may appeal, or at least Part I (Part II has no redeeming qualities), to a Von Trier completist, but after many attempts to see the good in these films I will have to admit that perhaps some artists are beyond even my own tastes. And calling Von Trier an artist is a stretch.
Best Movie Scene That Made You Go "What the Fuck"
Nominee: Finding out what was in the "Protein Bars" in Snowpiercer
Nominee: Rosamund Pike cutting Neil Patrick Harris's part short in Gone Girl
Nominee: The Thug party in Dear White People
Nominee: Hydra in Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Runner-up: When Harry Potter shed his angel wings and turned into the devil in Horns
Winner: Cleaning the tank in Fury
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| NPH: Never saw it coming |
---Although I hate, and I do mean hate, modern acronyms like "LOL" and "LMFAO," which I still contend is a medical condition and should be seen to immediately, the acronym "WTF" is best suited for the moments from the above films. The bugs from Snowpiercer, NPH's (oh no, I wrote another acronym) abrupt ending in Gone Girl, and Daniel Radcliffe going off the deep end in Horns all would be applicable, but there is one moment that is above all the rest. This comes in the WWII tank film Fury when Logan Lerman is required to clean a spot where a comrade has fallen. What he finds there is something that I won't be able to forget for many years to come, a part of the soldier's face, still intact. To say I jumped out of my seat would be an understatement and while some of these moments were shocking, this one was mortifying.
Best Line in a Movie
Nominee: There's too much talk of sins, but not enough talk of virtues. ~Calvary (Brendan Gleeson)
Nominee: We are Groot ~Guardians of the Galaxy (Vin Diesel)
Nominee: “You don't want the bumpers. Life doesn't give you bumpers.” ~Boyhood (Ethan Hawke)
Nominee: “If you want to win the lottery, you have to make the money to buy a ticket.” ~Nightcrawler (Jake Gyllenhaal)
Nominee: “This is how it works man, the one with the gun gets to tell the truth.” ~Blue Ruin (Macon Blair)
Nominee: “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it.” ~The Grand Budapest Hotel (Ralph Fiennes)
Nominee: "You are the most talented most interesting most extraordinary person in the universe. You are capable of amazing things." ~The Lego Movie (Chris Pratt)
Nominee: "However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. Where there's life, there's hope." ~The Theory of Everything (Eddie Redmayne)
Runner-up: “You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met, and I deal with fucked up people for a living.” ~Gone Girl (Tyler Perry)
Winner: "There are no two words in the English language more harmful than good job" ~Whiplash (JK Simmons)
---In the world of professional speech, we live and die with quotations. This year in film gave us some memorable ones, from the sentimental in Guardians, Boyhood, and The Theory of Everything to the thought provoking in Calvary, Blue Ruin, Budapest Hotel. There were even a few affirmations in The Lego Movie and Nightcrawler, but the two that made the finals came from moments of character honesty, one from Tyler Perry in dark comedy and the winner from JK Simmons reaffirming his central belief.
Best Small Part
Nominee: Evan Peters in X-Men: Days of Future Past
Nominee: Seth Green in Guardians of the Galaxy
Nominee: Mark Strong in The Imitation Game
Runner-up: Godzilla in Godzilla
Winner: Tyler Perry in Gone Girl
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| I need more Tyler Perry...Wait, what? |
---You didn't have to have a major part to have a major impact in film this year. As the old adage goes, "there are no small parts, only small players." Evan Peters stole the show in X-men, Seth Green gave one of the best cameos of the year as Howard the Duck in Guardians, and Mark Strong's steely resilience led to a forceful background for Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game. Unfortunately, Godzilla makes this list, and I sat unfortunately because he only appears in 10:30 of a 123 minute run time. However, when he kills the monster that was pretty cool and at least we didn't have to deal with Matthew Broderick and fish this time. Of all the parts this year that could be deemed less that supporting, Tyler Perry was the best by a long shot. I know, I, too, am shocked at the words that I have just written, but Perry is lightning in a bottle on screen. I actually left the theatre saying, "I wish there was more Tyler Perry," words I have never, and will never say again. This year the John Turturro Award, named because although Turturro is only in ten or so minutes of Big Lebowski we all remember "the Jesus", goes to Tyler Perry.
Best Use of a Prop in a Film
Nominee: Frank's Head in Frank
Nominee: Camera as a Prop in Nightcrawler
Nominee: The Drum Set in Whiplash
Nominee: Boxes of Candy in The Grand Budapest Hotel
Runner-up: A Cassette Tape in Guardians of the Galaxy
Winner: The food in Chef
---There really is not competition here and although the music in Guardians makes the movie all the more excellent nothing can compete with the food porn that is in Chef. I was disheartened to watch the film after I had begun my new diet, but enlightened when I found out that I can still make a few dishes of my own like the ones in the film and although mine don't resemble the same texture and color of Favreau's delicacies, they still taste delicious.
Best choice by a director
Nominee/Runner-up/Winner: Only letting Halle Berry have two lines in X-Men: Days of Future Past
---There is over 30 minutes of unused Anna Paquin/Halle Berry material that was cut out of X-Men. Hooray! When Berry was first cast in X-Men, the first one, we were all happy. She had just come off of filming Swordfish, Bulworth, & Monster's Ball, but now her hurricane of a career has dried up and become drought-like with films like Die Another Day, Catwoman, Gothika, The Call, X-Men III: The Last Stand. Recently she told US Weekly that, "It's hard to get roles as a woman of color." I couldn't agree more, but Berry doesn't fail to get roles because of her skin color, but rather because of her talent. Maybe she will return to the form she had before the first X-Men, but I doubt it.
Biggest Oversight
Nominee: Not teaching Kiera Knightley how to play a guitar in Begin Again
Nominee: Making Transformers 4
Nominee: Putting a love story in Godzilla
Runner-up: Anna Paquin named as a Co-star in X-Men: Days of Future Past
Winner: The fake baby in American Sniper
---Whether it was Knightley slapping at her guitar, Aaron Taylor-Johnson's attempts to show any type of human emotion towards Elizabeth Olsen, or Michael Bay making another terrible mechanical mess, plenty of "mistakes" were made in this year's films. Perhaps the two most glaring involved Anna Paquin being named the third highest billed actor (although she's in the film for less than five seconds) and Bradley Cooper holding a fake baby. Many believe that the fake baby kept Sniper from winning an Oscar, which is ludicrous, but no matter what you believe it was really really stupid.
Movie that saw the future
Nominee: Interstellar
Runner-up: Edge of Tomorrow
Winner: Draft Day
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| Browns still suck |
---There were multiple films this year that "claimed" to see the future. If the future in Interstellar true, then just shoot me now, and Edge of Tomorrow, well Edge of Tomorrow is entirely about seeing the future, but there is one film that literally showed the near future. Draft Day starring Kevin Costner is about the first day of the 2014 NFL Draft where Costner, as GM makes a large number of ludicrous decisions only to have the plan work out in the end. As the day continues, Costner manages to trade away picks to receive the overall number 1, then picks the guy no one expects, and as the day continues picks up another first rounder and eventually gets his picks back that he traded in the first day and gets one of the players everyone wanted (Not possible). The Browns then go into the season with a good team and high hopes. The film came out on April 11. Then something weird happened. A month later, the Browns pulled off a 2014 Draft that was eerily similar to the one in the movie getting a touted corner at 8 and then trading to receive the favorite buzz player Johnny Manziel at 22. They even made a move to get into the top of the second round to get one of the best guards at 35. The new GM Ray Farmer was called a genius with a fantastic first draft and the Browns went into the season with high hopes even managing to remain in first until week 12 and then, per usual, the Browns imploded and now they look like a catastrophe. Perhaps next time the movie will be called Playoffs, help out one of the worst football cities in America.
Best Joke
Nominee: Putting Abed into Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Nominee: "What do you got there, sweetie? Is that a balloon? It's not a balloon." ~Neighbors
Nominee: "Maggie, I know the dog dies. Everyone knows the dog dies. It's the book where the dog dies."~The Skeleton Twins
Runner-up: “She has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this place would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.” ~Guardians of the Galaxy
Winner: "You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that (Points) this face" ~22 Jump Street
---Maybe I just really like childish jokes, but the series of jokes that lead up to the one above from 22 Jump Street had me jumping out of my seat laughing. The Grand Budapest Hotel may have been the best critically acclaimed comedy of the year, but I loved Jump Street. If you haven't seen it, do so, if you want to again, watch this clip ----> 22 Jump Street
The Weirdest Movie of 2014
Nominee: Under the Skin
Nominee: Lucy
Nominee: The One I Love
Runner-up: Frank
Winner: Horns
---Under the Skin is incredibly weird, but it is after all an art film and The One I Love is weird, but that is due to a strange plot and it never strays away from that plot (I actually thoroughly enjoyed it). When it comes to truly weird, like batshit crazy weird you need only look at Lucy, Frank, & Horns. Lucy doesn't win, but not for like of trying, but for lack of me being able to complete watching it. Frank comes very close, but like The One I Love it kind of makes sense (although the plot contrivance really doesn't need to exist). However, Horns, the Daniel Radcliffe horror flick, and I do say horror, because it most certainly turns into a horror movie is beyond all comprehension. It could've been the part where Radcliffe forces his brother to down enough drugs to kill a cult that sent me over the edge, but if it wasn't there it most certainly happened in the finale when Radcliffe grows angel wings only for them to burn off and for him to become the devil (or at least a devil, honestly I have no idea). I guess it's my fault, after all the film was about a man who wakes up with devil horns, but I expected more of a parable than a parasite.
The film that made me feel like I was on LSD
Nominee: Under the Skin
Nominee: Lucy
Runner-up: Horns
Winner: Frank
---Michael Fassbender spends 90% of the movie with a cardboard head on and a ridiculous accent while his band conducts the most insane music ever recorded and Maggie Gyllenhaal goes mental, all in the middle of nowhere before the mediocre keyboardist (Domhall Gleeson) corrupts the band by taking them to SXSW. -----Need I say more?
Most Awkward moment of 2014
Nominee: The sex scenes in 300: Rise of an Empire
Nominee: The end of Lucy, you know, where she becomes a non corporeal being.
Nominee: Neil Patrick Harris's sex face in Gone Girl
Nominee: The majority of the movie Under the Skin
Runner-up: The worst date ever in Nightcrawler between Rene Russo and Jake Gyllenhaal
Winner: The writers of Interstellar trying to explain how dust lines represent morse code.
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| I have no idea what is going on. |
---300 is gratuitous, Lucy is insane, NPH's character is insane, Under the Skin fails to register its art with me, and the date in Nightcrawler is incredibly awkward, but brilliantly so, unnerving and queasy would be words associated with the scene as well. But in terms of awkward nothing can match how awkward it must have been when two writers, Jonathan and Christopher Nolan (Who I love), tried to make sense of their own plot holes. I imagine the conversation was something like this:
John: So he sees the lines on the floor and due to how in line they are he interprets that to mean they must be morse code which send coordinates in the middle of nowhere (although conveniently within driving range) that he then takes his daughter (rather than turning back when he finds her as a stowaway) to find what is left of NASA, where he used to work.
Chris: ….
John: It might be a bit of a stretch, but I think it makes sense as long as we concoct a fifth dimension in the end of the film.
Chris: Sure.
…
Chris: Remember when I directed The Dark Knight? That was a really good film, wasn't it?
Most Important Film of 2014
The final award of the year goes to a film called The Tribe. Don't worry if you haven't seen it because neither have I. How am I therefore comfortable with proclaiming it to be the most important film of 2014? Well, one, I don't work in film and two, just listen to the film's synopsis taken from IMDB: A deaf teenager enters a specialized boarding school where, to survive, he becomes part of a wild organization - the tribe. His love for one of the concubines will unwillingly lead him to break all the unwritten rules within the Tribe's hierarchy. --but what is the catch? Well the movie has taboo topics like full male nudity, full female nudity, illegal abortion and, oh yeah, the entire film is in sign language without any subtitles and the director didn't speak sign language so he used an interpreter. This is one movie that when it comes to the states I cannot wait to see because as the film posits, "There are no subtitles because with love and hatred, you don't need translation." See the trailer here ---> The Tribe Trailer |
| I love Hanks in a suit |
Most anticipated movies of 2015
Winner: Macbeth
Winner: Spectre
Winner: Inside Out
Winner: The Hateful Eight
Winner: The Avengers: Age of Ultron
Winner: Star Wars: VII - The Force Awakens
Winner: Steve Jobs
Winner: The Revenant
Winner: Trumbo
Winner: St. James Place
---There are many films that I am excited for but other than fan favorites like The Avengers, Star Wars, and Spectre, I cannot wait to see what the combination of Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Alan Alda, and the Cold War come up with.
On a Final Note...
R.I.P. Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers), John Hammond (Richard Attenborough), Vivian Rutledge (Lauren Bacall), Bret Maverick (James Garner), Tuco (Eli Wallach), Mother Sister (Ruby Dee), Smee and Eddie Valiant (Bob Hoskins), Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis), Secretary Albert Nimziki (James Rebhorn), and of course Sean Maguire, The Genie, Garp, Peter Pan, Batty Koda, Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch Adams, and John Keating (Robin Williams).
Robin Williams touched so many lives with his gift and for many of my age it was the genie in Aladdin that changed our hearts and made us feel like we were in a whole new world. But for me it was his performance as John Keating in Dead Poet's Society that set me on my way. My teaching style is based on the teachings of three people: my father, Maggie Ellison, and John Keating. "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world." Thank you Robin Williams for changing my world. "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be." John Keating. I hope Robin found peace in his dreams.
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| Goodbye Mr. Keating, you will be missed. |
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