I'm Not Okay

Yesterday, a friend asked me, “How are you doing,” and I replied, “I’m fine,” but of course I’m not fine.  Rarely when someone says they’re fine do they actually mean it.  I wish I would’ve said how I really felt.  How the mess of the world makes me feel small and scared and alone.  I wish I would’ve said, “I’m not okay,” because, I’m not.  

I’m not okay with what happened in Florida

I’m not okay with our reaction to that tragedy

I’m not okay with the anger I feel

I’m not okay with the country I live in

I’m not okay that a man can waltz into a nightclub and kill forty-nine people

  that he can do so with a gun that serves no legal purpose other than death

  that he can claim ISIS and with it take away his victim’s identities

I’m not okay that Fox news can mourn the loss of forty-nine Americans, but not the loss of forty-nine LGBT Americans.

I’m not okay when hypocrites dictate American Policy

   when politicians mourn LGBT lives while working tirelessly to wipe their existence off the face of the Earth

   when news agencies use tragedies to tout their ratings and applaud their anchors

           when I’m not surprised

I’m not okay with Second Amendment worshippers 

I’m not okay with illogical arguments based on a lack of historical perspective

   with there being enough guns to give every American man, woman, and child a firearm

   with shoot first, ask questions later

I’m not okay with “from my cold, dead hands” being a rallying cry rather than a warning

I’m not okay with people remembering Adam Lanza’s name, but forgetting Vicki Soto's

     with the NRA having more political power than the President

I’m not okay with that gun on your belt

I’m not okay when an attack on the LGBT community becomes a secondary headline

I’m not okay when an attack on the LGBT community becomes fodder for a terrorism debate

  when an attack on the LGBT community becomes a bigot’s get out of jail free card

  when an attack on the LGBT community becomes a two-day story

But that’s not all

I’m not okay that we cringe for the first Female Candidate

I’m not okay that we condemn her for emails, while a fraud and racist dances free

I’m not okay that her imperfections ring louder than all the other men before her

I’m not okay that we’ve accepted our role in watching this witch burning

I’m not okay with six month penalties for “20 minute crimes”

  with band aids for bruises that will never heal

  with judges representing perpetrators over victims

I’m not okay with one out of every six women

It’s not okay that I can raise my hands in class, but change my location and skin color and I’ll be shot

It’s not okay that Ferguson has become a bad word rather than a revolution

It’s not okay that we fight arguments over headlines rather than facts

It’s not okay that “I have a dream” is now just a hashtag

It’s not okay when my students can tell me why the Kardashians matter but not why the Civil War was fought

   when we laugh at Senators with snowballs, but do nothing to stop their ignorance

It’s not okay when revolutions must be started by artists rather than leaders 

   when we care about being right now rather than being right.  

It’s not okay that our public grief can be summed up by a temporary profile picture

It’s not okay that guns don’t kill people; Americans do

It’s not okay that we’re accustomed to tragedy 

It’s not okay that Orlando won’t be the last one

I’m not okay with my American pulse because my heart has been shot to shit

So if you see me and ask me, “How are you doing?”  I’ll answer clearly and succinctly, “I’m fine"