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| Huckabee? C'mon Bill |
The leaves are changing (they really aren't), the temperature is getting cooler (that definitely isn't happening), and school is back in session (that's true), but unlike in previous years this semester brings with it one major advantage: I'm three credits from my masters! It's a great feeling to nearly be done with my MFA, but it does bring with it a few disadvantages. One, which caused me to write this post. I have too much free time. Free time to ponder things like, I wonder if Sia understood how many syllables there are in the word "chandelier" because it feels like she's running out of room when she's singing. Ponder things like: Maybe I should drive to Macon, GA (no reason, just cause), or maybe I should build a mini dirigible (they taught me how to on a british comedy show) or maybe I should write a book on aardvarks (I know nothing about them, I was lucky I knew they were spelled with a double "aa" at the front). Extra time will do that to a person. Although to be fair, I don't "really" have extra time. In fact, I'm still super busy, but sometimes I forget because I don't have the same hectic schedule reminding me. This leads to things like the dreaded disease known as "you tubing". I have been afflicted with this illness since mid April and it has led to some costly developments. One such development led to to watching hours on end of old news shows from 2004 when they predicted who would be the 2008 nominee. It seems that if your name is Bill O'Reilly, Chris Matthews, or Wolf Blitzer you can be as popular as ever even if you screw up your prediction. I mean c'mon Bill, Huckabee? But isn't this the case in everything. Mel Kiper Jr makes the wrong calls for the draft, Joe Lunardi's brackets are burst, and Indiewire gave golden statues to the wrong people. Heck even Paul the Octopus who predicted the 2010 World Cup was sushi by the time 2014 rolled around. But isn't that the tread, other than Paul, if you predict something wrong there are zero consequences for your actions. With this information, along with my "extra" time, I present my list of "Bold Predictions" for 2014, eight months into the year, and some will happen in 2015…or 2016. Let's get started.
First things first: Sports!
Football Season. Iowa goes 8 - 4 and the Irish go 10 - 2 going to a formerly known as a BCS game.
NFL: NFC: Division Winners: The Giants (That's right I said the Giants), The Packers, The Saints & The Seahawks. Wild Cards: The 49ers and The Lions (That's right I said The Lions).
Best division in football last year was the NFC West but due to off the field issues and injuries the Niners are down this year (though are still a playoff team). NFC West is still packed with the upstart Cardinals but the best division will be the NFC North where my Packers are going to be in a blood bath with the Lions and Bears. Naturally the Packers will escape the division, because they are "my" Packers and because they have Aaron Rodgers (hey aardvark and Aaron). Top seeds are the Seasucks and the Packers. Giants upset the Lions and the Saints handle the Niners. Packers over Giants, Saints teach the 12th man a few lessons, and the Packers rip off the Saints halos.
AFC: Division Winners: The Patriots, The Bengals, The Colts & The Broncos. Wild Cards: The Steelers (although The Ravens could upset them) and the Chargers.
As Spencer Tripp told me last year in fantasy football, "I wouldn't take Philip Rivers with -$6." the Chargers with their top ten QB roll into this season with a sense of purpose and they will, mark my Bold prediction, challenge the Broncos for the division. Nothing really surprising in the AFC. The Patriots are soft this year but so is their division. If Geno goes down and Vick shows spurts of brilliance something magical could happen. Top seeds are The Colts and The Broncos. The Pats steal a game against Pittsburgh and the Chargers beat up the Bengals. Continuing their hated brilliance The Pats take down the Broncos in a major upset and the Colts dispatch the Chargers. AFC champ is a rematch of The Pats and the Colts but unfortunately without a Manning in sight. The Patriots win.
Superbowl: Much like we did in Superbowl XXXI, the Patriots don't have a chance over the Packers. Game is over before mid fourth quarter. The commercials suck again, the Republican party gets mad over a soda ad, and the halftime show (Rihanna) is unimpressive.
Baseball: It seems that despite their miraculous comeback (two game winning streak) the Cubs will miss the playoffs once again which makes these predictions rather boring. Though 2016, Cubs fans, I'm telling you it's going to be magical. National League: Nationals, Cardinals, Dodgers. WCs: Giants & Brewers. Brewers win the one game playoff just to piss off my friend Dan Anderson and then lose to the Nationals. Dodgers beat Cards in six. Nats take out the Dodgers in six. American League: Orioles (go figure), Tigers, Angels. WCs: A's & Royals (Go KC). Pitching beats the Royals. Orioles beat Angels in seven and in what will be the best series of the post season the A's pull off a seven game pitchfest upset over the Tigers. Then in a toss up with the Orioles win in six. World Series: A's win. This wonderful analysis brought to you by the fact that I like the A's and Billy Beane. I'm sure they'll still find a way to screw it up.
Basketball: Some stuff will happen, Love will have a bad championship series, and a team other than the Heat, Spurs, Thunder or the Cavs will win the finals. College Basketball: Iowa finally wins a tournament game.
Hockey: Who cares, it's football season.
With sports dispatched with lets move on to politics:
#1. A bunch of idiots will get re-elected because their opponents were either a) equally idiotic b) poorer, or c) idealists.
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| C'mon Bill |
#2. Mike Huckabee will win Iowa and then go on to lose every other state in the union. I mean, C'mon Bill O'Reilly, Huckabee?
#3. The Democratic Party already cares more about the 2020 election than they care about 2016. Because that's logical. Thanks DLCC for making a $70 million guarantee to Advantage 2020. Forget policy and government, let's worry about gerrymandering and redistricting.
#4. Republicans will not stop trying to impeach, sue, or otherwise legally befuddle the Obama Administration and will continue to blame things on him after 2016.
#5. Rep Steve King from Iowa will accidentally blurt out that he is a bigoted racist confirming his stances in a politically correct fashion. (Wishful thinking).
#6 GOP Candidates for 2016 will be as follows: Chris Christie, Paul Ryan, Rand Paul, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal who might be actually insane, Rick Perry and his glasses, & Jeb Bush.
#7. Mitt Romney will joke about running again and it will be in the news for weeks. Bernie Sanders will run as an independent and although he will have good ideas the media will forget about him, and Joe Biden will legitimately think he has won a state even after it has been declared a victory for Hilary.
#8. A bunch of Democrats will run for president. Who cares. Hilary Clinton will be the nominee. She will select Martin O'Malley (hopefully) or Joe Manchin as a VP.
#9. Hilary will be elected president in 2016 much to the dismay of the GOP, sexist men, and surprisingly me. (First time I have lumped myself into a sentence with the GOP and sexist men, although not the first time those other two things have been together :).
#10. My prayers won't be answered and my dream ticket of Howard Dean/Elizabeth Warren with Dennis Kucinich in the cabinet and the ghost of Paul Wellstone as Attorney General won't happen.
On to Movies:
*Predictions based on basically nothing. Although I guarantee that the "best" movie of the year won't win best picture.
Best Picture: Foxcatcher, Boyhood, Mr. Turner (Which will be nominated because it is British and not at all because we will finally acknowledge Timothy Spall's brilliance), Unbroken, Birdman, Interstellar, Gone Girl, Inherent Vice, American Sniper & Fury.
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| Foxcatcher |
Best Actor: Steve Carrell (Foxcatcher), Michael Keaton (Birdman), Joaquin Phoenix (Inherent Vice), Eddie Redmayne (Theory of Everthing), Ellar Contrane (Boyhood).
Best Actress: Shailene Woodley (The Fault in our Stars), Reese Witherspoon (Wild), Amy Adams (Big Eyes), Jessica Chastain (Either Disappearance of Eleanor Rigby or A Most Violent Year), Meryl Streep (Into the Woods).
After even writing down these predictions, much like Chris Matthews, I wouldn't be surprised to be wrong. But here is what I do know.
#1. Best actor will be one of the best competitions in a while and the winner will be a first timer.
#2. Best actress will be one of the worst competitions in a while and the winner should be a first timer.
#3. Meryl Streep will be nominated although theatre people everywhere will hate "Into the Woods".
#4. JK Simmons will lose the Supporting Actor Oscar even though he looks F%#%ing fantastic in Whiplash.
#5. Transformers will be an Academy Award Nominee.
With Politics, Sports, and Movies over with, let's go random:
SEVEN RANDOM PREDICTIONS (For those of you who are still reading).
1. Jon Hamm will win an Emmy. With the Emmy's done for this season, I must be talking about next year. Jon Hamm will finish his role as Don Draper on "Mad Men" and then, like Kyle Chandler before him, win a much deserved Emmy award. And if for some reason he doesn't win, like Weird Al said, "Oh who cares, he's still Jon Hamm."
2. George R.R. Martin will die midway through writing the final book. It would be beautiful and Soprano-esque if in the middle of the final book Martin killed himself off.
3. The Middle Class won't see a flying car in my lifetime. It's not going to happen. I was promised a jet pack in the early nineties and that's not coming to me either.
4. Although there is now a playoff system, the fifth team is going to bitch about missing the playoff. That's college football for you. Oh and speaking of college football…
4b. College players will get paid in the next decade to play football. Which will lead other sports to complain but really should lead kids in departments such as theatre to complain.
5. Gay Marriage will be legal nationwide before Marijuana.
6. WW III will occur and it won't end the world. But rest assured, humans still will.
7. I'm going to get into a PhD program, a program that at one point or another I made fun of their football team.
Mike Huckabee, really Bill?
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| C'mon Bill, Huckabee? |
