God Hates the Green Bay Packers & Won't Stop the Next Mass Shooting

At the end of the Packers epic revenge victory over the dreaded Seattle Seahawks, Quarterback Aaron Rodgers was asked about the game and responded by saying, “I think God was a Packer fan tonight so he was taking care of us.”  However, unfortunately for diehard Packer backers such as myself, the Packers were humiliated this past Sunday by their old nemesis the Denver Broncos leading me to one logical conclusion:  God Hates the Green Bay Packers.

I, myself, am not religious.  I find organized religion to be inherently political, dangerous, and only somewhat truly faith-based.  However, I do have a very strong faith in a power greater than myself and have zero problem calling that power “God”, although a much different interpretation than many who go to church on Sunday.  Nevertheless, my faith is something that has helped me through many a rough patch in the past few years and through prayer and meditation I have found solace in both my higher power and the world around me.  With this faith in mind and the previous knowledge I have from years of higher learning I feel comfortable making a declarative statement.  God doesn’t hate the Green Bay Packers, because God isn’t a football fan.  And I will raise that statement with one more, this one directly from God’s Lips (perhaps not verbatim), “Stop praying on social media”  

Prayer is a beautiful, selfless, powerful, and sometimes healing thing.  Prayer on Facebook is hypocritical, stupid, self-centered, and worthless.  Every time there is a tragedy in this country, such as a school shooting, you rarely find out about it from the news.  Instead you find out because your news feed becomes filled with “I’m praying for the victims of _______ High School.”  That prayer is worthless and in many ways apathetic towards the actual pain and suffering of the victims.  Let me clarify that if you sit at home and pray to God for the victims that is not necessarily worthless (again dependent on your beliefs), but most important it is by no means harmful.  However, the second you post on social media that you pray for the victims, you are no longer praying, but bragging.  You no longer care foremost for the victims, but rather care foremost that others know that you think you care foremost for the victims.  Praying on social media is entirely founded on the “look at me” principle.  Prayer on social media is equivalent to the girl interviewed by CNN after a school shooting because she once knew a friend whose sister was friend’s with one of the victims.  It screams for attention and asks the public to make sure that while this terrible thing is going on elsewhere, please keep in mind how I’m dealing with this.  For those of you who are guilty of this crime (which is the majority of you and at one point or another, I’m sure myself included), don’t worry this doesn’t make you a bad person.  Sometimes in an age where most thoughts are turned into statuses saying that you pray for the victims just feels like the right thing to do.  Like when you find out your friend’s mother died and say “I’m sorry.”  Being sorry doesn’t matter, but it feels like the polite thing to do.  

The problem with this prayer status reaction is that it can lead to inaction.  We all say our thoughts and prayers and then go about our regular lives and wait for the next terrible atrocity.  When given the opportunity to “Facebook pray,” we must instead turn to action.  I had written this post weeks ago and was about to post it online when the France attacks occurred.  If the aftermath of that terrible tragedy I was afraid that I would receive backlash for my writing (because of course I expect everyone to read this and not just the regular 50 +/- that actually do).  I was wrong and now I’ll even go a step further. One, God is not a football fan and two, God will not stop a mass shooting.  If God wanted to stop atrocities, he/she/it would’ve ended the Holocaust.  God will not take the guns out of a mass murderers hand.  It’s our job.  

There have been 355 mass shootings this year in America, there have been 336 days.  Do you have enough time to say thoughts and prayers for each one?  DO SOMETHING. If changing gun laws can save ONE life, just one, and the only ways it can affect you is by making you wait a little longer for purchase and certain extremely dangerous weapons won’t be able to be purchased, then I am all for it.  You should too, because it's part of the American credo.  We are the United States of America, not the Isolated people who only care about their own liberties of America.  It's the people who hide their ignorance behind the second amendment who make me ashamed of this country.  My biggest reason for shame is that those of you who hide behind the amendment, I can guarantee pick and choose which other amendments to follow by the letter of the law.  Many of you are also the same people who say we must follow the Bible directly, but pick and choose which parts to live by.    

Stop praying on Facebook for the victims.  Call your Congressman/woman.  Start a petition.  Join a Political Organization (I am a member of the Americans for Responsible Solutions run by my former boss and friend Gabrielle Giffords).  Do something rather than bragging about your feelings.  God doesn’t care if my Green Bay Packers win the Superbowl and God won’t stop the next shooting or the one after that.  Maybe we can.  

If you are wondering where I got my information for this blog, just go to the bible.  Matthew 6:5-6: “And when thou praise, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men...when though praise, enter into thy closet and when thou has shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret..."

Bold Predictions: The Time for Unbridled Optimism

September: Tis the season for unbridled optimism.  September is the time for a new semester, for new loves, for new chances, for new opportunities to break into the administration building to plant a pirate flag (surely not personal experience).  For sports fans, September is the beginning of football season, both college and professional, and for baseball fans it represents the final push for the playoffs.  The lazy dog days are over and its back to work.  For me, September represents two things I have almost never been witness to before.  The first, for someone who is not in school and not employed, September looks a lot like August (I hate it) and second, the Chicago Cubs are in contention and are, in fact, good.  The first needs to be fixed, but the second is a godsend.  Finally we have a good team.  Despite injuries, the Packers look good.  The Irish may be in contention for the College Football playoff.  The Hawkeyes look mediocre, but I still have hope..  Plus, I’ve got enough projects planned that I might be unemployed, but soon I’ll be busy again.  So in the week that I have before my unbridled optimism fads, I present my Bold Predictions for Fall 2015, the year, and beyond:

Sports:  Football

College:  The Iowa Hawkeyes will go 8-4, Kirk Ferentz will keep his job, they will play in a bowl game on January 1 in Florida, they’ll play an SEC team and probably lose, and if Jeb Bush is still in the race, he will magically put on a Hawkeyes hat and say he’s always been a fan.  The Notre Dame Fighting Irish will finish the season 11-1, make the playoff, and Malik Zaire will be a Heisman finalist.  The College Football Playoff will include Ohio State, Alabama, TCU, and Notre Dame (In that order).  The Heisman Award finalists will include Trevone Boykin (TCU), JT Barrett (OSU), Malik Zaire (ND), Leonard Fournette (LSU), and Cody Kessley (USC).  The National Championship will be won by Notre Dame, but when my magical world doesn’t happen, TCU will win the National Championship behind their Heisman Winner Trevone Boykin.  

Professional:  Fantasy Football I will win at least two of my leagues and Agents of Sam Shields will be secretly thought of as a clever name in my league.  AFC Division winners:  Patriots, Bengals (Don’t let me down), Colts, Broncos, Chiefs (WC), Dolphins (WC).  Dolphins top Bengals, Patriots top Chiefs, Broncos top Dolphins, Colts beat Patriots, Peyton Manning comes up short again, Indianapolis Colts win the AFC.  NFC Division Winners:  Cowboys, Packers, Panthers (God the NFC South Sucks), Seahawks, Eagles (WC), Giants (WC).  Wild Card Rules Eagles beat Cowboys, Panthers get destroyed by Giants, Packers beat Giants, Seahawks beat Eagles, Packers beat Seahawks in Lambeau, Green Bay Packers represent the NFC.  Packers win the Superbowl (I’m a Packers fan, so if this doesn’t happen Colts win the Superbowl).  League MVP:  Andrew Luck.   

Extras:  Roger Goodell makes another error when handling a disciplinary action, he keeps his job, but announces he’ll be stepping down in 2018.  After nine teams make valid arguments for the College Playoff in March 2016, the NCAA announces the Eight team playoff.  Peyton Manning gets injured in the latter half of the season, which ends up costing him the AFC Championship.  A Manatee will accurately pick 9 out of the 12 playoff teams and make the news for two weeks.

Baseball:  MLB

American League:  The Blue Jays win the division and millions of people in Montreal claim they liked the Toronto team all along, Royals, and Astros also take their divisions with the Yankees and Rangers playing in the Wild Card Playoff.  Royals dispatch the Yankees in four,  Astros upset the Blue Jays in five, Royals take the Pennant in Six. National League:  In a massive miracle, the imploding Nationals turn their season around and beat the Mets for the division.  The Cardinals and Dodgers win with the Pirates and Cubs playing for the Wild Card Playoff.  Cubs Win and play the Nationals destroying them in four, Cardinals take out the dodgers in four.  Cardinals play the Cubs and all of my dreams come true, the CUBS win the Pennant and take out the Royals…Or it turns out their isn’t magic and the Cardinals win the Pennant in five.  World Series:  The Cubs win…Or the Missouri World Series goes Seven Games and the Royals upset the Cardinals.  Royals win.  Joe Maddon wins Manager of the year.  AL MVP:  Josh Donaldson (Blue Jays) and NL MVP:  Bryce Harper (Nationals).  

This predictions thing is fun so I’ll keep going…

Politics:  

The Republican Nominee will not by Donald Trump and his running mate will not be Sarah Palin, although he will win more than one primary/caucus.  The Republican Nominee will be Marco Rubio and he will choose John Kasich as his running mate.  Bernie Sanders will win one caucus/primary but will not be the nominee.  Joe Biden will enter the race (And I will caucus for him), but unfortunately will not garner enough support to beat Hillary Clinton.  Clinton will suffer another two months of email problems, but then get on track after New Hampshire.  The election will be Rubio/Kasich vs. Clinton/Patrick (Deval Patrick of Massachusetts).  

Movies:

Best Picture: Ten movies will be nominated for best picture including one overwhelming crowd favorite: Inside Out, Steve Jobs, The Hateful Eight, Joy, The Revenant, Suffragette, Trumbo, The Danish Girl, Spotlight, Brooklyn, and Bridge of Spies.  In the weeks leading up to the Oscar nominations people will hold out hope for crowd favorite Mad Max, but alas it won’t happen.  No Idea who will win, but I predict I will love Spotlight.  Best Actor:  Michael Fassbender(Steve Jobs), Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant), Eddie Redmayne (The Danish Girl), Johnny Depp (Black Mass), Michael Caine (Youth).  I will hold out hope that Joseph Gordon Levitt gets the final nom for either Snowden or The Walk.  Michael Fassbender will win Best Actor. Best Actress:  Cate Blanchett (Carol), Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn), Lily Tomlin (Grandma), Carey Mulligan (Suffragette), and Charlize Theron (Mad Max).  Lily Tomlin will win best actress.  Best Supporting Actor:  Someone from The Hateful Eight, Jason Segel (The End of the Tour), Benicio Del Toro (Sicario), Someone from Spotlight, Tom Hardy (The Revenant).  Best Supporting Actress:  Rooney Mara (Carol), Julie Walters (Brooklyn), Meryl Streep (Suffragette), Lara Linney (Genius), Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs).  Rooney Mara Will win.  

Bonus:  Jon Hamm will finally win an Emmy.  His speech will be cute and funny.  I love Jon Hamm.   

Hand in Hand

I am proud of the country that I live in, but I am also equally scared by it.  We live in a country that could possibly see Donald Trump as its Republican Nominee for President.  A country that celebrates Women’s Equality Day while only giving women 77 cents on the dollar compared to men, a country where police beat and kill black men and women, a country that has the highest rate of gun deaths, and a country where its leaders can barely agree on a lunch order let alone a budget.  This being said, we are still an amazing country and we have come a long way since our beginnings.  We are a country based on sacrifice, pride, hope, and dreams.  Our foundations are built on the core principles of liberty and freedom, but are also built on the backs of people we owned.  America as a whole is great, extremely flawed, but great.  We can never forget where we come from, both good and bad, because if we do we immediately forget where we are going. 

One of our biggest problems as a country is race relations, which is really just a catch all that white people (like I am doing now) use because we can’t think of anything else to say.  The most recent attacks on black Americans by white police officers has sparked a whole new round of anger and thank God it did.  The internet has brought some terrible things (Josh Duggar had it coming), but one of the best things it has created is a forum for discussion that our parents couldn’t have even dreamed of.  Where people from across the country can argue and debate topics that hid away in southern textbooks and behind words like “pride” and “American right”.  Today, we are still an incredibly unequal society, but we can never forget where we came from.  One of my mentors was eating lunch with me back in February and the topic of “race relations” came up.  My mentor, an African American man 30 or so years removed from his childhood in the slums said to me, “I understand all of these protests, but anyone born today needs to remember that they aren’t lynching my family anymore.”  Now I know that a lot of people would say that we have replaced a rope noose with a policeman’s barrel, but the point he was trying to make was that even with our major problems today, they aren’t as bad as they were yesterday.  Within our own parent’s lifetimes the mass population went to segregated schools, there was no equal rights act, and black kids were met with water hoses just for sitting in a cafe.  We have come a long way, but we still have an awfully long hill ahead.  We can’t climb it alone.  

I have seen a lot of people talk about the #blacklivesmatter movement and fight back with things like #policelivesmatter.  I have seen the students for life campaign #CallhimEmmett trying to compare the brutal assassination (and yes it was an assassination, not just a murder) of Emmett Til for hitting on a white woman to modern day abortion.  I have also seen arguments from both sides of the debate (I hate that people in the media still call it a debate) that see the opposite position as demons.  This type of narrative doesn’t help anyone.  Yes, police lives do matter, but #blacklivesmatter doesn’t negate that.  The purpose of the movement is to shine light on a massive issue.  Police lives do matter and when an officer is gunned down in the line it is a tragedy.  But the movement is trying to make a point of the disenfranchised, of the people who are being innocently murdered by the dozen.  I saw a great meme the other day (I cannot believe I just wrote that), it is the picture on your left.  I think it is an apt stereotype representation of some of our current perception issues, but I would add another picture.  One of a police officer murdering a black teenager and the other of an officer working the beat, protecting and serving.  One is how many of us see them, the other is how they actually are (again I understand this goes against the purpose of the meme but I am just trying to prove a point).  On the left we see the small population and on the right we should see regular people going about their lives.  We need to fix this meme.  However fixing the meme will take a lot more work than just an hour on photoshop.  It will take all that this great nation has to offer.  It will be hard and it won’t come easy.  It cannot be done by a hashtag on twitter.  It must be done by the black teenager and by the white police officer.  We must join hands to fix this problem together.  It sounds like a difficult road.  It sounds like a dream.  

On this date, fifty-two years ago, Dr King was right when he told us of his dream.  When he said “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character,” he was speaking about the very fight that stands in front of us today.  “I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists…one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers”  Take out the words “Alabama” and replace them with Ferguson.  Take out little black boys and black girls and put in Black American Citizens and take out little white boys and white girls and put in the police department.  It sounds incredibly hard, but that’s why it's a dream.  I still have hope; perhaps you do as well.  So on this day of memory let us look back on yesterday and salute those who have paved the road from which we must continue their struggle.  “Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.  And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream.  It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.”  

Americans are Stupid

I woke up this morning to use the bathroom and I threw up.  I actually threw up because of something I watched on the news.  Today a reporter and her photographer were shot dead on morning television while doing a puff piece on a local waterpark.  The reporter, Alison Parker was 24 and the photographer, Adam Ward was 27.  This morning I was reminded of another shooting that happened four years ago when a gunman shot Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords & thirteen others, some of them my friends.  It also reminded me of a night in Aurora, a morning in Newtown, a college in Santa Monica, a mall in Iowa, a family in Virginia…..THIS doesn’t happen other places.  Could all of these events have been avoided if we had stricter gun control laws?  No of course not, but what about a few of them?  I am physically sickened.  When a soldier goes into battle, he walks in knowing the risk that his life could end at any moment.  This is evil, but this is necessary evil, not that our American soldiers die, but that they understand the parameters and risks of their jobs (this is also why every time you meet a service person you should thank them).  I am a teacher and on no comparative scale to a soldier, the risk of my job is poorly educating young, impressionable minds; playing educational roulette with a student’s well being.  I know my risk.  Do I really live in a country where a reporter or a Congresswoman or a first grader should understand that they have the same career risk as a soldier?  That is the America I currently live in.  Why?  Because people think gun control is the same as gun abolishment.  Because people believe so blindly in the second amendment that they have no problem forgetting about the first, the fourth, the fifth, the sixth, or the majority of them when it comes to issues like immigration or terrorism or religion.  Because it took until 1865 to abolish slavery and until 1920 to allow women the right to vote.  Because people think that #blacklivesmatters means #killthepolice.  Because Donald Trump is winning in the polls.  Because the American public as a whole is incredibly stupid.  They all have to do with each other.  

I have a good friend of mine.  He is a hardcore conservative, likes Scott Walker, and disagrees with me on almost every issue.  Right now he is going ballistic, and rightfully so, that his party is supporting Donald Trump.  His complete disbelief that his party could be endorsing Donald Trump is the exact same one that I have when I think about his opposition to gun control.  This friend is smart, kind, and has a gigantic heart, and despite his political leanings I still love him, but I am sickened by some of his views.  I am sickened by so many of my friends views such as my friend, who in response to the Confederate flag issue held a “protest” and watched re-runs of The Dukes of Hazard, saluting whenever the car drove in.  Or my friend who “threw up” when she learned that SCOTUS had made Gay marriage legal.  Or the fact that my alma mater sees nothing wrong with printing “Straight Outta Richmond” shirts.  

Donald Trump held what was essentially a white power rally in Alabama.  30,000 people came.  He throws a reporter out of a press conference.  People cheer.  He answers a debate question about misogyny with MORE misogyny.  People laugh.  The majority of his views are racist, bigoted, show a lack of common sense, and are morally ambiguous at best.  He leads in all the polls.  People are stupid.  

Atlanta has the same gun homicide rate as South Africa.  People vote to lower gun restrictions.  There are over 300 million civilian guns.  People vote to lower gun restrictions.  Over 10,000 Americans die every year because of guns.  People vote to lower gun restrictions. People are stupid.  

Adam Ward was my age and he was in love.  Guns don’t kill people, Americans do.  

End of rant.  

A Dandelion Head: Why the flag should keep flying

Symbols are important.  The Jewish Star, the Sign of the Cross, the door marked Do Not Enter; each carries a level of significance depending on historical and cultural backgrounds.  Some symbols once stood for something good and have since been turned into something evil.  The Swastika comes from Hinduism and Buddhism (to name a few) and in Sanskrit means “good fortune.”  The Nazis co-opted the symbol and made it the sign of one of the greatest atrocities the world has ever seen.  The skull and crossbones now represents either poison or pirates, but in Spain they were first used to mark cemeteries.  Symbols can be born with one meaning but through their historical appropriation they can easily be changed.  Something that was meant for hope can be a cause for pain.  So is the case with the Confederate Battle Flag.  

I decided to put thought to word document when I saw statuses on Facebook saying, “this whole flag debate has taught me which of my friends are racist,” and “If you disagree with me on the flag debate then I will de-friend you.”  When I see comments like that all that comes to mind is a palm to my forehead.  No, no, no, don’t say that.  You are part of the problem.  The flag should come down, yes, that’s true, but the flag itself is just a dandelion head, when you cut it off it will grow right back.  The issue at hand isn’t a symbol of hatred, but rather why the symbol was allowed to exist for so long.  And the problem with the flag debate is that it is based in social media, it is based in the consumer culture’s desire to satisfy their own morality as quickly as possible, but none of that deals with the real issue.  This form of 21st Century activism is the core of the problem because rather than dealing the issue, we sidestep it in order to get to the juicier story which is a broken binary between what is socially “good” and “morally ok” and what is repugnant.  We seek to satisfy our hearts with the quick fix rather than an actual solution.  

The flag is just a flag.  The real problem is our education, but no one wants to talk about that because it diverts from the superficial, easy to process buzzfeed or twitter language.  We sign a petition so that we can feel morally superior and then go about our regular business.  The flag debate is nothing more than the hot topic of the day, rather than a cultural issue that has infested our country since its creation.  We applaud the President for “talking tough” about Charleston, but then don’t pay attention to him when he is out supporting early childhood education, because if it didn’t occur to you, one of the fixes for this problem is early childhood education.  Racism is a disease, but rather than a common virus there are only two ways for racism to infect the host; through their eyes and through their ears and it needs to be relatively constant and begun at an early age.  A person is not born a racist, but a person can be raised as one whether it is through the teachings of their parents, their

siblings, their schools, or their societies.  Today, in America, this racist educational background is no more prevalent than in the South.  Why is that?  Is it because of a flag?  Is it the Dukes of Hazzard or redneck intellect? Well, yes, but it isn’t the things themselves but rather the culture that has allowed them to exist.  The problem isn’t the flag, the problem is a group of people who think the flag stands for Southern Heritage.  The problem is in the mouth of a white kid who thinks saying the “N-word” is okay.  The problem lies in every time you make a redneck joke.  The problem is in college kids who think the Civil War was about state’s rights.

Every semester I begin by talking about educational relativity and how what one group of students learned in first grade another group of students might have never learned.  This can be taught by asking a few simple questions like:  Who is Franklin Delano Roosevelt?  When did the Civil War start?  Who has listened to the I Have a Dream speech?  One of the scariest questions to ask, especially in a place like Richmond, Virginia:  What was the cause of the Civil War?  For me, I don’t ask this question, probably because it has nothing to do with Business Speech, but based on what I have heard and seen, I can guarantee that if I did ask the question in a class of 18 students I would get back at least nine different answers.  Slavery would be the minority reason and state’s rights would be the majority.  By the way, although the answer “state’s rights” is scary it isn’t nearly as scary as the three students who would say, “I don’t know, we never learned about the Civil War.”  It is time we start changing the narrative on how we teach the Civil War.  The Civil War’s main cause was slavery.  Plain and simple.  The South required slavery to keep their economy intact and they went to war over it.  That’s how much the South valued African American lives, the war was about slavery, but it wasn’t even about slave’s rights.  It was about the economics of slavery.    The description of the war being about state’s rights comes from the “lost cause” narrative of the war.  Why does this narrative exist?  How can so many people believe in it such as in the case of the 2011 Pew Research Center study.  In recognition of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War, the Pew Research Center asked “What is your impression of the main cause of the Civil War?”  While 38% responded that the main cause was the South’s defense of an economic system based on slavery, 48% said the nation sacrificed some 650,000 of its fathers, sons, and brothers over a difference of interpretation in constitutional law (39% of black respondents believed this latter interpretation). (Lies of the South)  THIS ISN’T TRUE.  This is the problem.  How has this educational lie been allowed to exist?  You need to only look at the facts: 1) At least 188 schools, not just in the South, are named after Confederate Leaders.  2) Fort Hood, Fort Lee, Fort AP Hill, Fort Bragg, Fort Picket, Fort Beauregard, and Fort Stewart to name a few are all named after Confederate Generals.  3)  The states of Georgia, Mississippi, Alabama, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Virginia all celebrate Confederate Memorial Day.  Louisiana and Tennessee celebrate Confederate Decoration Day.  Texas celebrates Confederate Heroes Day.  4) In Georgia, Confederate Memorial Day is considered a state holiday and all state offices are closed.  5) Some celebrate Robert E Lee’s Day like Alabama, Arkansas, and Mississippi.  

Someone I know recently was upset by the fact that someone was calling for a Richmond bike race to be moved from Monument Ave in Richmond.  Monument Ave is home to monuments including J.E.B. Stuart, Stonewall Jackson, and Robert E Lee.  This student was sickened because “Robert E Lee who actually contrary to popular belief did not support slavery, who was a leader in the early

reconstruction days who you know just so happens to help fund a college oh and throw in one of the most gifted strategic minds as well as one of the most intellectual minds America has ever seen.”  In response to this, I went on a short historical field trip.  “Lee's history has been drummed up in the Antebellum South to support the "Lost Cause" narrative of the war in order to better shine light on his nobleness and bravery, but Lee did own slaves (at one point 196), he did torture slaves leading one of his slaves to proclaim that he was "the worst man we ever saw,", he did not free them until January 1, 1863 (Same day as the Emancipation Proclamation) ignoring Virginia orders to free his slaves. Yes it is true that in multiple letters, namely one to his wife from 1856, Lee discusses the evils of slavery and his distaste for it, but he owned slaves, he beat them, and he kept them longer than legally required so that he could enhance the property value of his estate.”  Now is this person wrong, yes, but is this person dumb and racist?  No.  I know them and I know that they have goodness in their heart, but on this topic they are misinformed.  This is how we help fix a problem, through education, not through taking down a flag.

We need to change our educational narratives in this country.  The American Civil War is a

fascinating subject because in large part the losers have helped write the history of the war.  After the war ended, in the South, the Daughters of the Confederacy helped re-write many of the text books that were used in school districts throughout the South.  One of the major Civil War historians was Alexander Stephens, better known as the former Vice President of the Confederacy.  In describing the war he said, “it was a noble and doomed effort on the part of the South to preserve self-government against federal intrusion, and it had little to do with slavery.”  In other countries, losers of a Civil War would be labeled as traitors and executed, but in this country we have built them statues.  After the Civil War, Robert E Lee was neither arrested nor punished, he served as President of Washington College (Washington and Lee University) until his death.  General Beauregard returned to Louisiana and served as a railroad executive and became wealthy working with the Louisiana Lottery.  Former President of the Confederate States, Jefferson Davis, was arrested as a war prisoner but released after Presidential Amnesty given by President Johnson in 1868.  The government couldn’t figure out how to convict him of treason due to the difficulty in proving the unconstitutionality of secession.  He later went on to become rather wealthy and write two books.  Did you know that?  When we change this narrative we don’t need to condemn.  We don’t need to cast these men as anything more than what they were.  Robert E Lee can be a strategic and intellectual mind and he can be a man who owned and beat slaves.  We need to commemorate this history rather than continuing to celebrate it.

A flag is just a flag and I believe that the flag should remain flying high, as an intellectual reminder, until we actually figure out a plan to deal with the root of the weed.  We need to fix early childhood education.  We need to change the narrative of the Civil War and we need to stop social media morality activism.  We need to actually get our hands dirty and deal with the real problems.  Taking down the flag is a band-aid that conceals a much deeper wound.  It is a wound that idolizes men that not only owned people but sent other people to fight and die in order for them to keep owning people.  It is a wound that believes Southern Heritage and Southern Pride must be seeded in hatred.  It is a wound that has never understood the George Santayana quote, “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”  It is time for us to stop trying to solve 150 year-old problems with 24-hour solutions.  

March Madness: The Jordan Jones Method

The great Aristotle once said, "Hope is a waking dream," and there is never a greater time to dream than the middle of March.  The Ides of March may have been Caesar's downfall but for sports fans from Iowa it's the happiest time of the year.  We're nearing the NFL Draft and the Packers look good (rumors of a Wes Welker in our future sound great), despite another injury prone Derrick Rose season, the Bulls still have a chance, and the Cubs, well, hope springs eternal; this is our year.  However the biggest reason for unbridled optimism is this year's NCAA Tournament.  Iowa State is a 3 seed, UNI a 5, and my Hawkeyes are gearing up for a Friday night showdown with Davidson.  As a 7 seed it is eerily similar to their 2001 tournament where they beat Creighton only to fall to Kentucky in the second round.  Why do I mention the 2001 Tournament?  Perhaps it is because that was the last time we won a game in March Madness.  That's right, 2001, I was 12.  Here is a list of other things that happened when I was twelve:  had my first girlfriend, had my first real kiss, was going through puberty, thought I was going to be a baseball player, still believed in the federal government, learned what the federal government was, was a member of a church youth group, played five sports, and I bit through a battery (no joke).  It was a long time ago.  Through the 14 years since I have suffered through the Steve Alford disaster years, the NW St. (Where is that?) buzzer beater, the Cincinnati game, Pierre Pierce, The Lickliter era, and the angry Fran McCaffery, but all have led to the point where we are now. And I know that UNI and ISU may go far in the tournament (And honestly I hope they do) and I'm incredibly excited for my fighting Irish to hopefully break their string of bad luck, but I'll trade it all for just one win.  Give me one Iowa victory.  Herky needs hope and the best time for hope, the best time for anticipation is right now.  I'm really excited, but I'm not the only one.  

Everyone is excited.  Everyone is excited because they all still believe that their brackets can win the ESPN tournament or the office pool or the Madness bracket they devised with their friends years ago and always manage to fall short (surely I'm not speaking from personal experience).  We all believe that our gut is right, that our choices will be magic, and that this will finally be the year that we beat Taylor Clouse and Dan Miller (again surely not personal).  There are some of us that agonize our selections and spend hours filling out and refilling out dozens of brackets.  There are also some like my mother who picks Stanford because as she said, "they dancing tree is cute."  No matter what method you use whether it is logic, your gut, research, a coin toss, or the cutest mascot it is pretty much a crap shoot in the end (unless you picked a 16 to reach the finals, then you're just dumb).  In my own typically indecisive form, I filled out and submitted two brackets for each of my tournaments, one with Kentucky and the other with Arizona as champions.  However, ESPN allows you to fill out up to ten brackets so in true neurotic form I present a few ways to select your bracket that may be, shall we say, less conventional.  

I started out as I do every year with the coin toss and even managed to get a couple of possible teams in the final four, which included Maryland, UNC, Virginia, and SF Austin.  Heads won twice in a row giving Maryland the victory over Virginia.  I went with the alphabetical option, but a final four of Buffalo, Arizona, Albany, and Davidson with Albany cutting down the nets seems even more unlikely.  There is the academic bracket where you select winners based on team graduation rates with Belmont beating out Duke, Zona, and Kansas in the final four.  And of course there is Big Ten bias bracket where my Iowa Hawkeyes faced off against Michigan State with Wisconsin taking on Purdue.  All fun, but my three favorite I decided to share with you.  We will start with the least craziest and work up.

The Jordan Jones Method

Jordan Jones Ladies and Gentlemen

The Jordan Jones method is actually quite simple.  All you need is a bracket and one of our VCU student's Jordan Jones boredom to kick in.  Suffice to say, Jordan's knowledge of College Basketball is limited at best.  Let's analyze some of his picks.  First round upsets include Valpo, Indiana, Wyoming, Dayton, Belmont, OK St, Harvard, Ole Miss, Georgia St, Davidson, UAB, UCLA, and LSU.  Jordan decided to go with UAB over ISU, Wyoming over UNI, and Davidson over Iowa just to spite me.  He went with UCLA because of an apparent emotional fit over the mentioning of SMU and in typical Jordan fashion he went with Valpo because it was a funny name.  With obvious steps off the beaten path Jordan manages to have a decent elite eight with Kentucky, Indiana, Louisville,

Michigan St, Duke, Gonzaga, Wisconsin, and Georgia St.  He had a great commitment to VCU, but eventually went with what in his mind was the smart choice and concluded that Georgia St, a team that one their conference tournament 38-36 and in the process tore the achilles tendon of their coach in the celebration.  Although he seemed audibly pleased with Duke as a word, apparently Gonzaga was funnier so the Zags met the Cardinals with Louisville advancing and Wisconsin met Indiana with Indiana advancing, you know like anyone else would've picked.  With a Louisville v Indiana showdown, Jordan showed particular skill saying, "Louisville is good right?" and declared them the winners.  Obviously the Jordan Jones Method has some drawbacks but nowhere near the next concept.

The Team Nickname AKA Which One Would Win In A Fight Method

The Nickname Method is considerably more scientific than the Jones but has the drawback that it has nothing to do with basketball.  This led to a magical 16 seed over 1 seed upset as the Lafayette Leopards slipped by the Villanova Wildcats.  Although both wildcats in their own right, Leopards have a definitive species while a wildcat could be a tiger or could in fact be a feral cat.  Upsets in this bracket came from Purdue (Boilermakers over the bearcats, because bearcats are in fact lazy creatures and Boilermakers made trains and could run them over), Buffalo, Valpo (The Crusaders over the Terrapins, while a snapping turtle is ferocious, the Crusaders are fighting for God), Ole Miss, Ok St, Texas Southern (This 2 v 15 put the Tigers vs. the Wildcats and much like the Leopards before, the Wildcats went down), Lafayette, NC State, UC Irvine, Albany (this was a terrible matchup between Albany Great Danes and the Oklahoma Sooners aka settlers of Oklahoma), Belmont, Eastern Washington, Davidson, and N. Dakota St.  But for a more in depth analysis let's go deeper.

Sweet Sixteen Best Matchup:  The Baylor Bears against the Texas Southern Tigers.  I did far too much research into this matchup and by far too much I mean if I did any at all that would be too much.  There are factors that go into this fight.  Assuming that the bear in question is a brown bear they can weigh as much as 1700 pounds, they have a heightened sense of smell, they eat plants and fish, and usually are mostly vegetarian.  The tiger however has a great sense of hearing, can see in 3D, have heightened touch, can climb trees and jump over a basketball hoop, and they are also predatory carnivores.  However two pieces of information turned the tide.  The first comes from President Theodore Roosevelt who asserts in his book Hunting Trips of a Ranchman that a Bear would win in a fight against a tiger.  The second piece of information comes from a simulation from the Animal Planet which argues that the full force and power of the bear would win the day.  Baylor defeats Texas Southern.  Watch Animal Planet  Elite Eight Best Matchup:  The Duke Blue Devils vs. The Iowa State Cyclones.  This was difficult because it is a tornado vs. a demon, but upon further research I found that the demon angle is a new concept.  This is taken from the Duke Athletics website, "During World War I the Chasseurs Alpins, nicknamed "les Diables Bleus," were well known French soldiers. They first gained attention when their unique training and alpine knowledge was counted upon to break the stalemate of trench warfare in their native region of the French Alps. Unfortunately the Vosges Campaign in March, 1915, failed to alter the status quo even though the Blue Devils won accolades for their courage. However, their distinctive blue uniform with flowing cape and jaunty beret captured public imagination. When the United States entered the war, units of the French Blue Devils toured the country helping raise money in the war effort. Irving Berlin captured their spirit in song describing them as "strong and active, most attractive . . . those Devils, the Blue Devils of France."  You can't trust the French in a storm.  ISU over Duke. 

 Final Four Best Matchup:  The Iowa State Cyclones over the Michigan State Spartans.  This was a toss up.  You've got the Spartans who, amongst many accolades, stood 300 strong against the Persian Empire, but then you've got a tornado or a Typhoon or a hurricane.  I know that Michael Fassbender claims in 300 that they will "fight in the shade" after the Persian emissary claims their arrows will blot out the sun, but no amount of arrows can match wind speeds of an F5 and claim thousands of lives.  Iowa State is victorious Championship Game:  The Baylor Bears vs. the Iowa State Cyclones.  Tough luck Baylor, looks like you're going to Oz.  Iowa State wins the National Championship.  

So we managed to come out with a possible champion from that method and while unorthodox it would lead to some interesting match ups, but if you think that method was weird wait until the final one.  

The Famous Alumni As Decided by Ranker.com Method

This method, while time consuming is rather easy.  You go to Ranker.com, type in each school's most famous alumni list and then you choose whatever Ranker has as the number one.  Here's what I learned from this method:  Ranker loves Republicans, mediocre actors, racists, and serial killers.  When UCLA, the school with Alumni like Jackie Robinson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, James Dean, Francis Ford Coppola, Arthur Ashe, and Carol Burnett as their famous alums you know that Ranker doesn't know what they're doing when the number one is Mila Kunis.  That being said here are the first round upsets.  Wofford (John Richardson owner of the Carolina Panthers over Golfer John Daly), Georgia St (Julia Roberts over Jeff Dunham), Ohio St (Jeffrey Dahmer over Boris Kodjoe), LSU (Shaq over Zach Galifinakis), Wyoming (Dick Cheney over Bill Stewart), Albany (Harvey Milk over Olivia Munn), and Davidson (Patricia Cornwell over Ashton Kutcher).  

Sweet Sixteen Best Matchups:  (1) Butler vs. Wichita State aka the battle of the psychos.  In this game we face off between Dennis Rader and Jim Jones.  For those who are unaware who these two "famous" people are let me fill you in.  Dennis Rader was a former US Air Force serviceman who was married with two children.  He worked with security services and was a member of the Lutheran Church.  Later it was found out that he was also known by another name "BTK" or Bind Torture and Kill due to the ten victims he murdered in the 70's and 80's.  Jim Jones was a much simpler man, husband and father of seven, he spend time as the head of his local church.  Unfortunately this position led to some turmoil in 1978 when he lead all 909 members of his church into a mass murder-suicide in the Jonestown Massacre.  Obviously a tough game, but Butler and Jim Jones manage to escape with the victory.  (2) ISU vs. Gonzaga or George Washington Carver vs. Bing Crosby.  Sorry Carver, you might have been a brilliant man who was called "the black Leonardo", but Peanut Butter doesn't come close to White Christmas in my book.  Elite Eight Best Matchup:  Duke vs. Gonzaga.  I love Bing Crosby but he never got 10% of the vote in Iowa 2008, that wonderful number is attached to Ron Paul.  Although I am not a big fan of the man and think he would make a terrible president, you have to give credit to a man that stood up in a Republican debate and said, "It's time we quit this, it's trillions of dollars that we're spending on these wars," that took some balls.  Duke Wins.  Final Four Best Matchup:  This one is a toss up.  We have UNC and Michael Jordan vs. Cincinnati and George Clooney.  Clooney net worth - $180 million vs Jordan - $1 billion.  Clear cut.  Jordan wins.  Championship:  In an all ACC final that would make Americans salivate at the thought of the championship between UNC and Duke.  "Republicans buy sneakers too."  Michael Jordan understands politics a little better than Ron Paul who wants to get rid of the IRS.  UNC victorious!

Unbridled optimism, anticipation, and hope.  No matter what method you use, we all think our bracket is the winner.  I just want one victory and for the rest, maybe I'll flip a coin and get Lafayette in the final four.  

Go get'em Lafayette

The Best Movies of 2014 Part III (AKA the final part)

Thank you to all the readers who made it through Parts I & II.  Welcome to Part III where we discuss, oh to hell with it, this is the part where I make up a bunch of categories and the few of you who aren't sick of my writing go along with it.  That sounds like enough of a preface.  On with the odds & ends of 2014 cinema.  

The worst movies of 2014

Nominee:  A Million Ways to Die in the West

Nominee:  The Amazing Spiderman 2

Nominee:  The Right Kind of Wrong

Nominee:  Cavemen

Nominee:  Divergent

Runner-up:  Transformers: Age of Extinction

Winner:  Nymphomaniac

---  As usual it would be hard for a year to go by without a lot of success stories, but even more flubs.  This year brought a first for me, the first time I've watched a superhero movie and was bored by the climax, which was the case with The Amazing Spiderman II, but luckily a few moments of grace (scenes with Emma Stone in them) managed to save this mangled mess of a script and turn into just a mess.  Unfortunately, and I do mean unfortunately because despite its horrendous script, lousy characters, and exposition written to make it ok that an older man is with a younger woman, Transformers 4 will not be its extinction, because it once again made over 240 million dollars.  However, there was one movie that took the proverbial shit cake position and that was the mess, pornographic, hallowed out shell of Lars Von Trier's two part disaster Nymphomaniac.  

I'm sure that the subject of nymphomania would make a very interesting documentary and even a fine piece of cinema in the right hands, but Von Trier does not have those hands.  Instead we watch a slow moving pornographic, hate piece.  I wanted to give this film its fair shake and so, I watched it.  Unfortunately that is as far as I was willing to go.  When you know you are watching sexploitation on screen is when the plot of the scene is based in the camera's desire to show skin rather than story (a note that Michael Bay should take into account).  Nymphomaniac may appeal, or at least Part I (Part II has no redeeming qualities), to a Von Trier completist, but after many attempts to see the good in these films I will have to admit that perhaps some artists are beyond even my own tastes.  And calling Von Trier an artist is a stretch.  

Best Movie Scene That Made You Go "What the Fuck"

Nominee:  Finding out what was in the "Protein Bars" in Snowpiercer

Nominee:  Rosamund Pike cutting Neil Patrick Harris's part short in Gone Girl

Nominee:  The Thug party in Dear White People

Nominee:  Hydra in Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Runner-up:  When Harry Potter shed his angel wings and turned into the devil in Horns

Winner:  Cleaning the tank in Fury

NPH: Never saw it coming

---Although I hate, and I do mean hate, modern acronyms like "LOL" and "LMFAO," which I still contend is a medical condition and should be seen to immediately, the acronym "WTF" is best suited for the moments from the above films.  The bugs from Snowpiercer, NPH's (oh no, I wrote another acronym) abrupt ending in Gone Girl, and Daniel Radcliffe going off the deep end in Horns all would be applicable, but there is one moment that is above all the rest.  This comes in the WWII tank film Fury when Logan Lerman is required to clean a spot where a comrade has fallen.  What he finds there is something that I won't be able to forget for many years to come, a part of the soldier's face, still intact.  To say I jumped out of my seat would be an understatement and while some of these moments were shocking, this one was mortifying.  

Best Line in a Movie

Nominee:  There's too much talk of sins, but not enough talk of virtues. ~Calvary (Brendan Gleeson)

Nominee:  We are Groot ~Guardians of the Galaxy (Vin Diesel)

Nominee:  “You don't want the bumpers. Life doesn't give you bumpers.” ~Boyhood (Ethan Hawke)

Nominee:  “If you want to win the lottery, you have to make the money to buy a ticket.” ~Nightcrawler (Jake Gyllenhaal)

Nominee:  “This is how it works man, the one with the gun gets to tell the truth.” ~Blue Ruin (Macon Blair)

Nominee:  “You see, there are still faint glimmers of civilization left in this barbaric slaughterhouse that was once known as humanity. Indeed that's what we provide in our own modest, humble, insignificant... oh, fuck it.” ~The Grand Budapest Hotel (Ralph Fiennes)

Nominee:  "You are the most talented most interesting most extraordinary person in the universe.  You are capable of amazing things." ~The Lego Movie (Chris Pratt)

Nominee:  "However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at.  Where there's life, there's hope." ~The Theory of Everything (Eddie Redmayne)

Runner-up:  “You two are the most fucked up people I've ever met, and I deal with fucked up people for a living.” ~Gone Girl (Tyler Perry)

Winner:  "There are no two words in the English language more harmful than good job" ~Whiplash (JK Simmons)

---In the world of professional speech, we live and die with quotations.  This year in film gave us some memorable ones, from the sentimental in Guardians, Boyhood, and The Theory of Everything to the thought provoking in Calvary, Blue Ruin, Budapest Hotel.  There were even a few affirmations in The Lego Movie and Nightcrawler, but the two that made the finals came from moments of character honesty, one from Tyler Perry in dark comedy and the winner from JK Simmons reaffirming his central belief.  

Best Small Part

Nominee:  Evan Peters in X-Men: Days of Future Past

Nominee:  Seth Green in Guardians of the Galaxy

Nominee:  Mark Strong in The Imitation Game

Runner-up:  Godzilla in Godzilla

Winner:  Tyler Perry in Gone Girl

I need more Tyler Perry...Wait, what?

---You didn't have to have a major part to have a major impact in film this year.  As the old adage goes, "there are no small parts, only small players."  Evan Peters stole the show in X-men, Seth Green gave one of the best cameos of the year as Howard the Duck in Guardians, and Mark Strong's steely resilience led to a forceful background for Benedict Cumberbatch in The Imitation Game.  Unfortunately, Godzilla makes this list, and I sat unfortunately because he only appears in 10:30 of a 123 minute run time.  However, when he kills the monster that was pretty cool and at least we didn't have to deal with Matthew Broderick and fish this time. Of all the parts this year that could be deemed less that supporting, Tyler Perry was the best by a long shot.  I know, I, too, am shocked at the words that I have just written, but Perry is lightning in a bottle on screen.  I actually left the theatre saying, "I wish there was more Tyler Perry," words I have never, and will never say again.  This year the John Turturro Award, named because although Turturro is only in ten or so minutes of Big Lebowski we all remember "the Jesus", goes to Tyler Perry.  

Best Use of a Prop in a Film

Nominee:  Frank's Head in Frank

Nominee:  Camera as a Prop in Nightcrawler

Nominee:  The Drum Set in Whiplash 

Nominee:  Boxes of Candy in The Grand Budapest Hotel

Runner-up:  A Cassette Tape in Guardians of the Galaxy 

Winner:  The food in Chef

---There really is not competition here and although the music in Guardians makes the movie all the more excellent nothing can compete with the food porn that is in Chef.  I was disheartened to watch the film after I had begun my new diet, but enlightened when I found out that I can still make a few dishes of my own like the ones in the film and although mine don't resemble the same texture and color of Favreau's delicacies, they still taste delicious.  

Best choice by a director

Nominee/Runner-up/Winner:  Only letting Halle Berry have two lines in X-Men: Days of Future Past

---There is over 30 minutes of unused Anna Paquin/Halle Berry material that was cut out of X-Men.  Hooray!  When Berry was first cast in X-Men, the first one, we were all happy.  She had just come off of filming Swordfish, Bulworth, & Monster's Ball, but now her hurricane of a career has dried up and become drought-like with films like Die Another Day, Catwoman, Gothika, The Call, X-Men III: The Last Stand.  Recently she told US Weekly that, "It's hard to get roles as a woman of color."  I couldn't agree more, but Berry doesn't fail to get roles because of her skin color, but rather because of her talent.  Maybe she will return to the form she had before the first X-Men, but I doubt it.  

Biggest Oversight

Nominee:  Not teaching Kiera Knightley how to play a guitar in Begin Again

Nominee:  Making Transformers 4

Nominee:  Putting a love story in Godzilla

Runner-up:  Anna Paquin named as a Co-star in X-Men: Days of Future Past

Winner:  The fake baby in American Sniper

---Whether it was Knightley slapping at her guitar, Aaron Taylor-Johnson's attempts to show any type of human emotion towards Elizabeth Olsen, or Michael Bay making another terrible mechanical mess, plenty of "mistakes" were made in this year's films.  Perhaps the two most glaring involved Anna Paquin being named the third highest billed actor (although she's in the film for less than five seconds) and Bradley Cooper holding a fake baby.  Many believe that the fake baby kept Sniper from winning an Oscar, which is ludicrous, but no matter what you believe it was really really stupid.  

Movie that saw the future

Nominee:  Interstellar 

Runner-up:  Edge of Tomorrow 

Winner:  Draft Day

Browns still suck

---There were multiple films this year that "claimed" to see the future.  If the future in Interstellar true, then just shoot me now, and Edge of Tomorrow, well Edge of Tomorrow is entirely about seeing the future, but there is one film that literally showed the near future.  Draft Day starring Kevin Costner is about the first day of the 2014 NFL Draft where Costner, as GM makes a large number of ludicrous decisions only to have the plan work out in the end.  As the day continues, Costner manages to trade away picks to receive the overall number 1, then picks the guy no one expects, and as the day continues picks up another first rounder and eventually gets his picks back that he traded in the first day and gets one of the players everyone wanted (Not possible).  The Browns then go into the season with a good team and high hopes.  The film came out on April 11.  Then something weird happened.  A month later, the Browns pulled off a 2014 Draft that was eerily similar to the one in the movie getting a touted corner at 8 and then trading to receive the favorite buzz player Johnny Manziel at 22.  They even made a move to get into the top of the second round to get one of the best guards at 35.  The new GM Ray Farmer was called a genius with a fantastic first draft and the Browns went into the season with high hopes even managing to remain in first until week 12 and then, per usual, the Browns imploded and now they look like a catastrophe.  Perhaps next time the movie will be called Playoffs, help out one of the worst football cities in America.  

Best Joke

Nominee:  Putting Abed into Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Nominee:  "What do you got there, sweetie?  Is that a balloon?  It's not a balloon." ~Neighbors 

Nominee:  "Maggie, I know the dog dies.  Everyone knows the dog dies.  It's the book where the dog dies."~The Skeleton Twins

Runner-up:  “She has no idea. If I had a blacklight, this place would look like a Jackson Pollock painting.” ~Guardians of the Galaxy 

Winner:  "You fucked Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the fuck, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that (Points) this face" ~22 Jump Street

---Maybe I just really like childish jokes, but the series of jokes that lead up to the one above from 22 Jump Street had me jumping out of my seat laughing.  The Grand Budapest Hotel may have been the best critically acclaimed comedy of the year, but I loved Jump Street.  If you haven't seen it, do so, if you want to again, watch this clip ---->  22 Jump Street

The Weirdest Movie of 2014

Nominee:  Under the Skin

Nominee:  Lucy

Nominee:  The One I Love

Runner-up:  Frank

Winner:  Horns

---Under the Skin is incredibly weird, but it is after all an art film and The One I Love is weird, but that is due to a strange plot and it never strays away from that plot (I actually thoroughly enjoyed it).  When it comes to truly weird, like batshit crazy weird you need only look at Lucy, Frank, & Horns.  Lucy doesn't win, but not for like of trying, but for lack of me being able to complete watching it.  Frank comes very close, but like The One I Love it kind of makes sense (although the plot contrivance really doesn't need to exist).  However, Horns, the Daniel Radcliffe horror flick, and I do say horror, because it most certainly turns into a horror movie is beyond all comprehension.  It could've been the part where Radcliffe forces his brother to down enough drugs to kill a cult that sent me over the edge, but if it wasn't there it most certainly happened in the finale when Radcliffe grows angel wings only for them to burn off and for him to become the devil (or at least a devil, honestly I have no idea).  I guess it's my fault, after all the film was about a man who wakes up with devil horns, but I expected more of a parable than a parasite.   

The film that made me feel like I was on LSD

Nominee:  Under the Skin

Nominee:  Lucy

Runner-up:  Horns

Winner:  Frank

---Michael Fassbender spends 90% of the movie with a cardboard head on and a ridiculous accent while his band conducts the most insane music ever recorded and Maggie Gyllenhaal goes mental, all in the middle of nowhere before the mediocre keyboardist (Domhall Gleeson) corrupts the band by taking them to SXSW.  -----Need I say more?  

Most Awkward moment of 2014

Nominee:  The sex scenes in 300: Rise of an Empire

Nominee:  The end of Lucy, you know, where she becomes a non corporeal being.

Nominee:  Neil Patrick Harris's sex face in Gone Girl

Nominee:  The majority of the movie Under the Skin

Runner-up:  The worst date ever in Nightcrawler between Rene Russo and Jake Gyllenhaal

Winner:  The writers of Interstellar trying to explain how dust lines represent morse code.

I have no idea what is going on.

---300 is gratuitous, Lucy is insane, NPH's character is insane, Under the Skin fails to register its art with me, and the date in Nightcrawler is incredibly awkward, but brilliantly so, unnerving and queasy would be words associated with the scene as well.  But in terms of awkward nothing can match how awkward it must have been when two writers, Jonathan and Christopher Nolan (Who I love), tried to make sense of their own plot holes.  I imagine the conversation was something like this:

John:  So he sees the lines on the floor and due to how in line they are he interprets that to mean they must be morse code which send coordinates in the middle of nowhere (although conveniently within driving range) that he then takes his daughter (rather than turning back when he finds her as a stowaway) to find what is left of NASA, where he used to work.  

Chris: ….

John:  It might be a bit of a stretch, but I think it makes sense as long as we concoct a fifth dimension in the end of the film.  

Chris:  Sure.  

…

Chris:  Remember when I directed The Dark Knight?  That was a really good film, wasn't it? 

Most Important Film of 2014

The final award of the year goes to a film called The Tribe.  Don't worry if you haven't seen it because neither have I.  How am I therefore comfortable with proclaiming it to be the most important film of 2014?  Well, one, I don't work in film and two, just listen to the film's synopsis taken from IMDB:  A deaf teenager enters a specialized boarding school where, to survive, he becomes part of a wild organization - the tribe. His love for one of the concubines will unwillingly lead him to break all the unwritten rules within the Tribe's hierarchy. --but what is the catch?  Well the movie has taboo topics like full male nudity, full female nudity, illegal abortion and, oh yeah, the entire film is in sign language without any subtitles and the director didn't speak sign language so he used an interpreter.  This is one movie that when it comes to the states I cannot wait to see because as the film posits, "There are no subtitles because with love and hatred, you don't need translation."  See the trailer here ---> The Tribe Trailer

I love Hanks in a suit

Most anticipated movies of 2015

Winner:  Macbeth 

Winner:  Spectre

Winner:  Inside Out

Winner:  The Hateful Eight

Winner:  The Avengers: Age of Ultron

Winner:  Star Wars: VII  - The Force Awakens 

Winner:  Steve Jobs 

Winner:  The Revenant 

Winner:  Trumbo

Winner:  St. James Place

---There are many films that I am excited for but other than fan favorites like The Avengers, Star Wars, and Spectre, I cannot wait to see what the combination of Steven Spielberg, Tom Hanks, Alan Alda, and the Cold War come up with.  

On a Final Note...

R.I.P. Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers), John Hammond (Richard Attenborough), Vivian Rutledge (Lauren Bacall), Bret Maverick (James Garner), Tuco (Eli Wallach), Mother Sister (Ruby Dee), Smee and Eddie Valiant (Bob Hoskins), Egon Spengler (Harold Ramis), Secretary Albert Nimziki (James Rebhorn), and of course Sean Maguire, The Genie, Garp, Peter Pan, Batty Koda, Mrs. Doubtfire, Patch Adams, and John Keating (Robin Williams).  

Robin Williams touched so many lives with his gift and for many of my age it was the genie in Aladdin that changed our hearts and made us feel like we were in a whole new world. But for me it was his performance as John Keating in Dead Poet's Society that set me on my way. My teaching style is based on the teachings of three people: my father, Maggie Ellison, and John Keating. "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world." Thank you Robin Williams for changing my world.  "But only in their dreams can men be truly free. 'Twas always thus, and always thus will be." John Keating. I hope Robin found peace in his dreams.  

Goodbye Mr. Keating, you will be missed.